From the edits of "Edge of Passion"
“Cute,” Leila managed to say, wondering what else Jane had been prattling on about while she’d had her heads in the clouds again. [If Leila has multiple heads, I think it’s worthy of an earlier mention!]
His breathing, his footsteps, none of it could be disguised by his cloak. It was one of the reasons, he and all his fellow Cloak Warriors wore specially designed soft-soled shoes when on assignment. [I’m wearing a pair right now; we non-cloak warriors call them sneakers]
She dug into her shoulder bag and pulled out her weapon of choice, waving it triumphantly. “Maze.” [Here’s my thought: a rape-defense strategy which relies upon the rapist to pause in order to work out a handheld puzzle in the form of a complex branching passage through which he must find a route is dubious indeed, even if it does contain such distractions as, say, mermaids or sports figures! Now maize could prove highly effective if you firmly jam the cob right up the bastard’s nose. But I’m recommending mace.]
Fear made her comply without protest. She clung to him like a chipmunk, his breath hot at her ear.[Are chipmunks particularly known for clinging? I defer. Now baby possums…
…or you could go with Velcro®.]
And with that image, I'll be saying bye for now.